First off, I missed the airing of my interview with Jack Krasula which was on WJR...the "Anything is Possible" radio show.  (I think it can be archived if you go to www.anythingispossible.biz)  On Sunday at 5:00pm, while it was being broadcast, I was at a WalMart in Layton, Utah with my 20 year old son, Nickolas.  Actually, I didn't really care about hearing it at the time.  It was too amazingly fun for me to be exactly where I was at, just hanging out with him and getting STUFF.  We hadn't done that together in over 2 years.  (Thanks, friends, for all the texts!!)

I had been living in anger for too long.  It was very ugly when he left at 17.  I was still cleaning up the mess in my heart.   I had lumped him together with some of my other kids who had betrayed my love and our family values.  I pushed him away.  I didn't believe what he was telling me about his life...for 2 years.  He never gave up, he kept at it, telling me about positive things that he was doing.  I didn't believe him.  He had manipulated me before, many times.  I didn't want to get too close, because I feared he would do it again.  Finally, he got to me, and something resonated deeply.  He told me that he was going to become a missionary of the Gospel and he would be gone for 2 years.  He needed to have peace before he left.  He wanted my forgiveness and he needed to know he was loved.

I surprise-visited him.  Just showed up at the doorstep of the house he was living in.  Mark and Pam were wonderfully welcoming....they showed no judgment...I assumed that they had been told bad things about me, because this is what some of the other kids have done (not only my own, but many other older Russian adoptees).  Perhaps I refused to feed him?  Threw him out of the house?  Beat him?  hmmmm, I wondered what they had been told.  Mark and Pam were extremely warm people who praised Nick constantly.  They were very happy that I had come to visit.  I WAS WRONG my earlier assumptions.  This family had been told good things.

We drove to where he said he was working.  International Armoring in Ogden.  There, a co-worker let us inside so Nick could show me the cars he works on as a welder.  His co-worker thanked me for coming...he said "This is so great for Nickolai, he's told me great things about you..."  He works 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, and also on Saturdays....

I asked him to take me to Job Corps, where he lived for almost 2 years once he turned 18.  This place was in Clearfield.  We were not allowed on campus, since he was no longer a resident there, but I did meet his previous resident advisor, a woman named Wanda.  She gave me a big hug, told me I had a big heart, and praised Nick like the others had been doing.

Later, we went to downtown Salt Lake City because Nick wanted to show me the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Temple.  It was a beautiful place.  Nick knew people there, because he visits there often.  We took a mini tour and I learned some things about the Mormon faith.  I watched.  I listened.  I noticed that he has been studying the Bible and the Book of Mormon.  He has become more religious than I had remembered.  He explained many things to me about how he took a bus to this community on his 18th birthday and now it is his home.  His church home.  He has found the Lord.  I could feel it from him.  He spoke about his mission trip.  He is going to Siberia in April and will not return until 2010.

After dinner, I took him back to Mark and Pam's house, his home of the last 3 months.  Day one had awkward moments, and good ones too.  Everything he had been telling me for all this time was checking out...so far. 

On Sunday, I attended services with Nick and the Nielson family, (or should I say his entire church family!)  As soon as we hit the door, people were approaching me so warmly and welcoming me, telling me again and again how exceptional Nick is and how much they love him and appreciate him.  It was almost overwhelming.   Once the music started, and I could sit next to him and let the spirituality of the moment in, I cried.  It was difficult to compose myself many times.  We did some small group study of the Gospel and then another group session with just the women.  It was there that I lost it, again.  I told them all how touched I was that my son had been welcomed and nurtured here.  He was happy, and that made me happy.   Once again, no one showed any judgment, only caring.  I met the Bishop on the way out, and our eyes locked.  We spoke a little, and we both teared up.  He knew how huge this visit was for Nick and I.  I sensed that Nick had confided in him.

After church, Nick took me to lunch, and we went to Salt Lake City Community College, where he really did get on the Dean's list last year.  (he showed me the documents).  Then, in the late afternoon during the radio show, we were at WalMart, shopping.  Nick commented on the number of texts I was getting.

Later, we parked the car and just talked.  We shared our thoughts, we cried, we both asked for forgiveness.  We hugged.  I let go of my anger once and for all.  It was like a huge weight was lifted...Healing for both of us.

For dinner, I was invited back to the Nielson's home for dinner.  This was their monthly family gathering night so I was very lucky to be able to meet and experience their grown children and grandchildren, and extended family.  Everyone took a turn to talk about what was going on in thier lives.  I watched.  I listened.  Nick and I both had a turn too.   It was really wonderful.  Pam and I spoke more.  I thanked them again for all they have done for my son.

I could tell that Nick is really happy and surrounded with loving support.  He thanked me for adopting him because if it wasn't for me and Dad stepping into his life when we did, he wouldn't have been able to experience this.  I didn't work out the way I expected when I first adopted him.  But, I'll say it again.  He's really happy.  He wants to give of himself to others.  How POWERFUL is that?

Being angry for so long was WRONG.  Assuming that I knew what he was doing was WRONG.  Pushing him away was WRONG.  I am so glad that I took this adventure to see for myself.  I couldn't stay away.  I am still his Mom and I have always loved him so much.  I have seen something special in him for a long time, and now others have seen it too.  We got so much accomplished, and we put the past to bed.  We are blessed.  We agreed that we like learning from each other as life goes on.  I am looking forward to a healthier and more close relationship with my son Nick.  Now I will really miss him when he is gone.  I will continue to pray.

I think it's time for a new brag page, I hope to have it done soon...be watching....I love you Nickolas...